• Ann Kaplan

Bali Lessons: Fearless Love...Without Agenda PART 2!

What does loving without agenda really mean?

In my last post, I brought up the idea of Fearless Love, without Agenda, but I really only talked about the first half, the idea of fearless love: Showing up in the world as if you had a guarantee that everything you're fearing, will actually never come to pass. Loving yourself, your kids and everyone else in your life from that place of fearlessness.

Showing up that way can be complete magic. For example, believing everything will be OK and having that belief behind the love you show while your kid goes through something really hard with a frenemy, can magically enable your kid to come out of that situation unscathed. Romancing your partner with complete confidence that you are a goddess crossed with a porn star can magically shift your relationship. Enjoying and soaking up every minute of your alone time can magically transform your energy at home.

But, like all magical things, fearless love only works when no one's watching. Fearless love only creates magical outcomes when you're NOT TRYING to create magical outcomes. You're just doing it because it's what's left after you've stripped away all the fears and worries and pettiness that might have gotten in the way. It's magical, but only if you DON'T EXPECT it to do magic. It's the watched pot that will never boil. That's the 'without agenda' bit.

The magic of fearless love is impossible if the whole time you're trying to have it, you're focusing on the things you want to change and control. You can't fearlessly love your kiddo if you're freaking out about helping them make it through their social drama. You can't fearlessly love your partner while simultaneously trying to force a huge shift in your relationship. You can't fearlessly love yourself and your self care when you're obsessing about having a better attitude at home.

It's the agenda we have with our actions that sabotages us every time. The more we try to control the outcome of something, the more we are guaranteed to get the opposite of what we want. When we have an agenda around our self expression, especially in the way we show our love to the people we most care about, it's like our love for them has an end goal in mind. We're loving them specifically to create the outcome we want, which will sabotage us every time.

About halfway through writing this post, I realized that what I'm really talking about is the buddhist principle of non-attachment. What a co-inky-dink that my trip to the only Buddhist place in Indonesia inspired me to 'discover' non-attachment...duh. I'm not saying anything new here; Buddhists have been talking about this stuff for a gujillion years. The one thing new I can add to the conversation is that from my own personal experience, and from working with a buttload of moms over the years, the people who have the hardest time with this idea are moms, AND (very Buddhist-ly) we are the ones who most desperately need to learn it!

So let's work on letting go of our agenda when we walk through life, especially when we're momming. Love people for the sake of loving them, do nice stuff without hoping something great comes from it, be yourself because that's who you are, and for no other reason! From one mom wading through samsara to another, we can do this!!!

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