Updated: Oct 28
Here's a little peek behind the curtain - my coaching notes are mostly quotes my clients say during their sessions. Right now, I have a client whose son struggles with aggression (hitting, biting, kicking, etc.) and she has been working on it for a long time. In my notes for her, I have this quote written from almost all of her sessions: “He has GOT to stop hitting.” As long as she kept this thought up, she saw very little change with her son. But recently, she finally arrived at a breakthrough by deciding to give up caring whether her son stopped hitting. Whaaa??
We parents spend so. much. time. trying to change kids' choices and behaviors. We are laser-focused on what they are doing, not doing, and should be doing. Unfortunately, that focus does very little to improve kids' behavior, because it ignores the facts that:
We can't control anyone's actions but our own, and
Actions don't just spontaneously occur; they come from thoughts and emotions.
Fixating on someone's actions is like trying to stop a tsunami by putting sandbags along the shore. That tidal wave is set in motion long before the water reaches land.
This means that our work as parents is not about what our kids are DOING, but what they are THINKING, which is great news because it's a lot easier to be thought-provoking than it is to control another person's behavior. Effective parenting keeps kids thinking instead of futilely trying to make them act differently. It’s not about making kids say sorry, stop hitting, or do their homework. It's about creating situations that keep them thinking about the outcomes of their actions. It's not about changing kids’ actions at all...and paradoxically, that makes change so much more likely!
How to keep kids thinking? Natural Consequences create those thought-provoking situations, and almost without trying, their actions change on their own. New behaviors come from new thoughts, plain and simple.
There are so many times when we don’t know what to do, or can’t seem to change what’s going on with our kids. But the truth is that we never needed to! Learning and using tools that keep yourself and your child in a thinking space is enough; the rest flows from there.
People assume my clients are successful because of all the new moves they learn with me. This is absolutely true, but those new moves have less to do with changing behaviors, and more to do with helping them and their child hang out with their thoughts and emotions.
Ready to see how removing your focus from your child's actions can completely change their behavior?
It's time for a free Discovery Call. I'm talking to moms now who are ready to start with me in November. Book it today and let's get your family back on track!