© 2018 by Ann Kaplan

  • Ann Kaplan

Why my sexual revolution is having less sex.


Sometimes having less sex is revolutionary

I almost changed the topic of this week's blog. I am not a very sexual person, and I'm hardly an example of a sex 'success story' to inspire others. The truth is that sex is, and has been for a long time, a huge bone (no pun intended) of contention between my husband and me. But, then I thought of all my clients who are struggling with relationship challenges and I know I am not the only one. Sometimes we share our stories not to teach a lesson, but to send a message of solidarity. So, if you are struggling with mismatched sex drives, feeling misunderstood, or changes in your libido that make you sexually unrecognizable to yourself, this post is for you and you are not alone.


My sex story is that I'm usually not that into it. I realize now as a middle aged woman that I always had sex because it felt like the right thing to do based on the type of relationship I was in. You can imagine what a great foundation that established in my marriage ;) Obligation sex is never a good plan, and even less so as a basis for a marriage. We made it work for many years, but now that I'm almost 40, my days of doing crap just because I 'should' are looooong gone and that pretty much means that I am going through a sexual revolution of sorts...in that I don't do it unless I want to, which means I do it a lot less.


This has been great in a lot of ways. My decision to listen to my body when it comes to sex has catalyzed me to tune in and honor myself in lots of other ways. I can see how I was marginalizing and devaluing myself in many areas of my life, not just sex. And when I do have sex, it's awesome and really enjoyable. I'm not going to lie though, it has put a huge strain on my marriage for the obvious reason that we are doing it less, but also for the less obvious reason that the dynamics are changing between us and I am growing into a new version of myself that we are adjusting to. I don't know how it's all going to play out, but I do know that I have no other choice. I finally know more profoundly that I ever did before that being inauthentic and ignoring my truth can never turn out well, that that honoring myself is the only way to move forward, even if it means scary changes.


As a coach, I am privileged to hear the intimate experiences of my clients and I have them to thank in many ways for the stand I am taking for myself privately, and the courage to share this post publicly. I know that I'm not alone and that the landscape of our intimacy changes and evolve drastically as we go through the different phases of our lives. If you are in this place right now, I encourage you to connect deeply with yourself and honor that connection in all aspects of your life. It is a simply yet profound shift that will move you in a new and healthier direction. And tune into the group this week to hear more about all the ways in which motherhood intersects with our sex life.

77 views